the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
