i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
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I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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