in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
