Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
