Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize