I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
