I need help removing her.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We left an ass print on the piano.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
