i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think my moral compass just broke
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