I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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