Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
