Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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