If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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