Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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