I should be sponsored by Trojan
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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