rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
