I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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