my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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