I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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