Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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