Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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