I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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