My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
