Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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