Well douche your snatch and let's go!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We got so high we made milksteak
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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