did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I won't apologize to a one balled man
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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