you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
