i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
