I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
