Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
