she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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