it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
