I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
