So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
