Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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