you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
