I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
