he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Green mimosas i think yes
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
