god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
whose parrot is this?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
