I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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