i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
