I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
