Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
