i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
