Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
