I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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