I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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