I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
