In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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