I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
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They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
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I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender