Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?