I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.