i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
