lets start a swedish sibling band together
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
