Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
