i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
