Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
