I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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