It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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