I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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