I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
