Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
